mother daughter connection

There is a saying,

"a son is a son until he takes a wife -- but a daughter is a daughter her whole life"...

As Stuart Smalley would say, "I come from.....let's just say.....a screwed up family!!!"

An early memory of when I was four years old. It was 1968. I remember being in a car with my mom and a man (who wasn't my father). My mom asked me if I wanted to "go to California and go to Disney Land?" I said "yes". What I didn't know or comprehend was that we would be leaving my dad and my four older brothers behind and that we would never be a "family" again... It wasn't until many years later, when I was married to Jim for a couple of years and was pursuing a psychology/counseling degree, that I suddenly got in touch with the reality that I was carrying some serious "FALSE GUILT". Somewhere, inside, I felt that it was all my fault because I said, "yes". Of course, I didn't know what I was saying "yes" to. But how does a child distinguish at that age? And isn't it absurd that any child would ever be put into that situation....By the way, I processed through it, felt the pain of it, let God touch me deeply and built on the resolve that no child of mine would ever have to experience that kind of crap.....that's not the legacy I'm giving away. Homey don't play that!!!

Within a couple of years of that scenario it seemed that my mom "tired" of me and dumped me back off with my dad and was barely in and out of my life throughout my entire elementary education...needless to say there were also some deep abandonment and separation anxiety issues. And God has indeed been faithful to heal me from those things. Although, the scars are still there, the pain below is gone. I'm grateful that because of things like that I have a depth of understanding about "who God REALLY is" and how he can heal people despite our broken human relationships. My pursuit of psychology and counseling were only tools in His hand. Only He can mend the human soul.

But the saying is true. "....a daughter is a daughter her whole life..." My mom is now 76 years old now. I do love her. She is still the same in a lot of ways. She still can punch my buttons. It has taken a few years to draw some serious boundaries with her. But I also know this.....that I will never, by God's grace, do to my daughter what was done to me. And I will not neglect her in the ways that I was so clearly neglected either. One clear way of making sure of this is "real forgiveness". I had to choose to forgive my mom from my heart. And that is so much easier said than done. You see, if I chose not to forgive her then I would give in to another true saying, "you become the very thing that you hate". If you hold onto unforgiveness, it actually ends up binding you to the person and offense and true change of heart cannot take place. So I forgave. And I continue the process of forgiveness to this day. You see, there are good things in my mom that I see. And God did choose her to be my mom....for better or worse. I think every daughter has that longing to connect with her mom. I believe that this is a God-given desire. And although I believe she is incapable of meeting certain of my needs, God has provided other ways for that need to be met for me. And ultimately God, Himself, is my ultimate source for that deep longing to connect. For years I have found comfort in the scripture that says,

This is what the Lord says,
"I will extend peace to her like a river and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem". (Isaiah 66:12-13)

God has touched me in that deep place of need over and over again. And I know that even though I never had that need met from my own mom.....that I can, as a mother, draw from that deep place (where God has touched me) and I can and most definitely will meet that need in my own daughter. Because although, "i am a daughter to my mom my whole life.....I am also, my Heavenly Father's daughter for all eternity.... He is in control of my life and destiny. He holds the pen and the script of my life. He has an awesome story to tell. He has given me a deep resevoir of His Love to draw from. And His undying pursuit of me consistently reminds me that I can and I will be an incredible mom to my own daughter. That is an awesome thing.