Making Memories

This is Jim taking Abbagael to pick up pizza. Abbagael has a special relationship with "Pizza Man". He is from Italy, has an amazing little restaurant right on main street and best of all he loves Abbagael. He always gives her free garlic knots to bring home too! And if you haven't had New York pizza, well, I'm just saying.....you're missing out. But that's another story...
It was freezing outside. But Abbagael was insisting that she wanted to wear her Mickey Mouse hat. So Daddy put it on her. Over her stocking hat. Nice. It worked!

Some have called me "the paparazzi". Back in the day I took photography classes and also enjoyed being the Editor of my high school year book. Then as life went on I pursued other interests. But some years back I took it up again. After Abbagael was born Jim bought me an amazing Canon Rebel digital camera. I can click away and just delete the ones I'm not going to use.

Abbagael is a well documented little girl. Starting with my pregnancy. With a 'high risk' pregnancy they took extra sonograms. Then my doctor even made an exception by allowing Jim to video tape her birth....fun fun. My doctor's cell phone actually rang during my c-section....and I looked at the camera and said, "tell them I'm busy".
So, anyway we've got a lot of pictures and video of her and our lives together.

Why do I do all this? It is simple, really. As we go about our every day lives, special times and events...I usually have my camera with me. I love capturing these times and moments so that we can back up these special memories. And I'm sure we will enjoy them for years to come. There are plenty of times that I don't capture on film. That's ok too. It's not a driven thing. Just an important investment of two parents loving a little girl.

Let's Make History

Even if Sarah Palin.....oops, I mean John McCain doesn't win tomorrow....I'm so glad that Abbagael is alive at this time in history....crackin' that glass ceiling!

Some times we just need a clear "SIGN"

Could it get any clearer than that?????? This was on the front of one of my magazines that came in the mail today. The theme "dream big" has been a specific phrase that we use in the Sullivan house for a few years now. Really, ever since my dream of Abbagael being born came to pass.

Besides saying it pretty much every day - Abbagael and I do something special in our bedtime routine. I kiss and hug her good night then at the same time we both give each other a thumbs up and say out loud together, "DREAM BIG". We say "I love you" and then I close the door as I go.

God has ways of getting our attention. So, by this magazine arriving here today, I know He was reminding me that He has my number. I don't rely on major "lighting bolt" anything like this to make me love or serve Him. But I also don't want to be so cynical that I don't enjoy these more profound ways that He gets my attention. He can and has spoken to me in a variety of ways. I am humorously encouraged by this. And I definitely can feel that He loves me and He cares enough to remind me of a very important "life message" that I carry in my life.

Of course, there are so many deep layers that this whole theme crosses in my life....but for now I just appreciate that He not only loves and me but He really, really likes me too. He is the kindest Person I know and He can get that message across to me whenever and however He wants. Thanks Father! I got it!!!

The value of an unborn child....

I am not one lose sleep over much but last night I lay awake and i couldn't sleep. Something was stirring on the inside and i just couldn't let it go. I waited quietly and listened. Then my heart began to break....not with human compassion but with what I felt God's divine perspective of a human life...Yes, this is a history making presidential election and there is much at stake. My family has been directly affected by the present economic situation. I most definitely have an aversion toward the war. The price of gas is ridiculous and I could go on and on but in the end and with my vote.....it all comes down to this for me.....

"the value of an unborn human life called a child... what is the value or worth of an unborn child.... let us just say "priceless"

The war is a life and death issue but it is not to be compared with the original meaning or agenda of the "pro-life" issue just like being a present day "feminist" should not be defined by the original women's issue regarding women fighting for the "right to vote". I believe I am a feminist but not in the way that some of the "angry feminists" would require me to be. So, the valid concern about the war cannot be lumped into the original meaning. The "pro-life issue is first and foremost the domestic issue dealing with the fight to protect the life of an unborn child.

I have been directly affected by this issue in a number of ways.

First, I, was conceived in an illegitimate way. Sex was forced onto my mother without regard to her own choice(that's putting it nicely). And because I was conceived in this way(when she was separated from her husband) this was considered a great shame and disgrace. This was the early 60's. In her confusion as to how to handle "it" (me), a close friend of hers offered to pay for her "solution" i.e. abortion. Another friend (a doctor) of hers graciously offered to allow her to use a medical machine in his office(that "pregnant women" shouldn't use) in hopes of causing a miscarriage. Somehow, through it all my mom chose to have me. She tells me that even then she knew that (there was a destiny for me). Now, I wonder, what life would have been like for those in my family, my husband, and friends without this crazy person named "Patti". Some might jokingly say "better off". But, last night, this is what went through my mind (it was like I was watching a movie screen in my mind) my own version of "It's a wonderful life". What some considered a mistake or problem....God called good and wonderful....the power of one life truly affects hundreds if not thousands of people's lives. I am forever grateful to be alive.

Secondly, one of my older brothers is considered "slow". When we were growing up I watched him endure all kinds name calling. And he had plenty of hurdles to overcome. He has lived on his own for many years and is the proud father of two sons. I can't imagine life without him. Who are we to ever say who can and cannot be born....God's incredible wisdom...

Third, members of my immediate family have been directly affected by another's choice or their own choice to have an abortion. The emotional pain that they have gone through even after years is something that I've seen deeply impact their lives. But I have also seen God transform their pain through His forgiveness, forgiving themselves and receiving life transforming strength to heal and move on.

Fourthly, having been one who dealt with infertility for many years and also, personally knowing numerous women who would have given anything to have such an amazing gift of a child when some put their own infants in garbage cans....don't get me started. And I know what it is like to lose children that I carried inside of me having four littles ones in heaven. They would have turned four this month.

And lastly, and most importantly, God speaks very directly to the issue of unborn life, children and to those who care for them. There are many examples. Here are just a couple:

*Psalm 139 speaks of how God "forms us in our mother's womb"

*In the New Testament Jesus challenges people to "let the children come unto Me" and He gave very clear warnings of how it would be "better for someone to have a stone tied around their neck and thrown into the water" than "to have caused one of these little ones (children) to stumble".....and it is important how we treat the "least of these".

It is in how we treat 'the least of these' that shows what is really going on in our society. They have no way to defend themselves. This is a 'domestic' issue and it moves from just a personal issue to a 'political' issue when one candidate clearly has said that his first order of business will be to sign the "freedom of choice act"(foca). And the foca is clear in mandating abortion for any and every reason - even into the ninth month of pregnancy. Hear his own words on the you tube link below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AR1RD2-fabA

I don't despise or hate anyone. I knew what it was like to live an alternative lifestyle where I was condemned by Christians and others. Compassion is a very needed commodity in this day and age. But so is true conviction and backbone. People are not the answer or the problem. Whether or not Obama or McCain become president, I will go on in my life. I won't be moved by that. There truly is only One Voice that I want to be moved by. And that is God's kind voice. His opinion on the subject is the only one that matters.

At the end of the day - and at the end of my life - I know my conscience will be clear. Being able to tell Abbagael the incredible story of how my own mother's decision (choice) to keep me (in the midst of disgrace) and the power of "my life" (however insignificant) made a difference in my generation....and in the end, I carried her (as as unborn child) in my womb and in giving birth to her, I gave her a life to live and and destiny to walk in, and a legacy to give to her own children......and how many lives were and will be affected by one woman's choice to keep her unborn child.....well now, that is well worth it.

BTW, I am voting for John McCain. But I am not voting for a man - I am voting for generations of children and their right to live. And I pray, God, please, bless the United States of America.

mother daughter connection

There is a saying,

"a son is a son until he takes a wife -- but a daughter is a daughter her whole life"...

As Stuart Smalley would say, "I come from.....let's just say.....a screwed up family!!!"

An early memory of when I was four years old. It was 1968. I remember being in a car with my mom and a man (who wasn't my father). My mom asked me if I wanted to "go to California and go to Disney Land?" I said "yes". What I didn't know or comprehend was that we would be leaving my dad and my four older brothers behind and that we would never be a "family" again... It wasn't until many years later, when I was married to Jim for a couple of years and was pursuing a psychology/counseling degree, that I suddenly got in touch with the reality that I was carrying some serious "FALSE GUILT". Somewhere, inside, I felt that it was all my fault because I said, "yes". Of course, I didn't know what I was saying "yes" to. But how does a child distinguish at that age? And isn't it absurd that any child would ever be put into that situation....By the way, I processed through it, felt the pain of it, let God touch me deeply and built on the resolve that no child of mine would ever have to experience that kind of crap.....that's not the legacy I'm giving away. Homey don't play that!!!

Within a couple of years of that scenario it seemed that my mom "tired" of me and dumped me back off with my dad and was barely in and out of my life throughout my entire elementary education...needless to say there were also some deep abandonment and separation anxiety issues. And God has indeed been faithful to heal me from those things. Although, the scars are still there, the pain below is gone. I'm grateful that because of things like that I have a depth of understanding about "who God REALLY is" and how he can heal people despite our broken human relationships. My pursuit of psychology and counseling were only tools in His hand. Only He can mend the human soul.

But the saying is true. "....a daughter is a daughter her whole life..." My mom is now 76 years old now. I do love her. She is still the same in a lot of ways. She still can punch my buttons. It has taken a few years to draw some serious boundaries with her. But I also know this.....that I will never, by God's grace, do to my daughter what was done to me. And I will not neglect her in the ways that I was so clearly neglected either. One clear way of making sure of this is "real forgiveness". I had to choose to forgive my mom from my heart. And that is so much easier said than done. You see, if I chose not to forgive her then I would give in to another true saying, "you become the very thing that you hate". If you hold onto unforgiveness, it actually ends up binding you to the person and offense and true change of heart cannot take place. So I forgave. And I continue the process of forgiveness to this day. You see, there are good things in my mom that I see. And God did choose her to be my mom....for better or worse. I think every daughter has that longing to connect with her mom. I believe that this is a God-given desire. And although I believe she is incapable of meeting certain of my needs, God has provided other ways for that need to be met for me. And ultimately God, Himself, is my ultimate source for that deep longing to connect. For years I have found comfort in the scripture that says,

This is what the Lord says,
"I will extend peace to her like a river and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem". (Isaiah 66:12-13)

God has touched me in that deep place of need over and over again. And I know that even though I never had that need met from my own mom.....that I can, as a mother, draw from that deep place (where God has touched me) and I can and most definitely will meet that need in my own daughter. Because although, "i am a daughter to my mom my whole life.....I am also, my Heavenly Father's daughter for all eternity.... He is in control of my life and destiny. He holds the pen and the script of my life. He has an awesome story to tell. He has given me a deep resevoir of His Love to draw from. And His undying pursuit of me consistently reminds me that I can and I will be an incredible mom to my own daughter. That is an awesome thing.

....let's begin...

I am on a journey. And I believe that it is by Divine Providence that I have been given a gift. This gift is my daughter, Abbagael. I plan on allowing this blog to be a place where I can walk out some of this journey called parenthood and my present choice of homeschooling. If you are going to read this.....please understand that I'm not looking for agreement with my way of doing things....I'm on a journey. With everything I've been through to have this child (read the previous post "my dream come true"). I don't take lightly the role I have to play in loving this little girl right into her destiny (both in the here and now and in her future). Don't get me wrong. I completely believe that joy, tons of fun and profound happiness have everything to do with it. But I also know that if I (as a parent) don't proactively attune my heart and skills, I will clearly miss it. Everyday, is a learning experience. And if I can just do what God places in front of me each day in regard to my life, my heart, my marriage and my child then I can lay my head down each night in peace. I'm not talking about perfection, mind you, just placing my hand in God's hand and truly walking out the "great commandment". "Love the Lord your God with your heart, mind, soul and body....and love your neighbor as you love your self". That for me begins in my home.

My Dream Come True

This was originally written in September 2006


Dreams Do Come True (September 2006)

Recently, one early morning, I awoke to the sound of my daughter chattering away.... I lay in my bed listening to and peaking over the covers at her just a few feet away from me in her crib. She was sitting there fully entertaining herself. Speaking to some imaginary friend about her amazing life (hand movements included-after all she is her father's daughter). I just listened to and watched her. Like so many other moments that I spend with her I soaked in the quite revelation that "this is the best time of my life" and "who is living better than me?". When I finally did raise up my head and said, "Hi Abbagael", you would have thought that the most incredible thing in the world just happened to her. Her face lit up with a huge smile. Her toddler Irish eyes gave a great big twinkle. She jiggled and bounced up and down. And then she said those words that I had waited a lifetime to hear. "HI MOMMY!" I just looked at her in amazement and melted. Please, I am all verclemt. ‘Talk amongst yourselves”!

Oh, the wonder and value of a single human life. Of course, all children are gifts from God. Abbagael ("abba" like the band) Fiona Sinead is an absolute miracle child. God’s promise come true to me. She is my dream come true. LITERALLY!!! In the mundane ness of life it is easy to grow dull in our spirits. And I can be unaware of His Presence and the gifts He has given me in this life. But I have learned that if I spend a few moments with Him - He causes my heart to soften and become sensitized to His Presence as I move through life. It really isn't that difficult. Life is so much better this way. I never want to lose the profound awe that I experience in knowing this amazing child named Abbagael. Though it took many years with many questions, God kept the promise that He gave to me.

When Jim and I got married more than 18 years ago I never thought for a moment that when "we decided" to have children there would be problems. A few weeks before we were married in August of 1988 (so long ago - ha) I had a dream as I slept. I won't get into all the intricacies of the dream but the jist of the main part was this: I saw a little girl and I knew immediately that she was my daughter. Then I heard God speak in an audible voice and He said to me, "her name is Abbagael". I awoke in the morning and the dream stayed with me throughout the day. You know when you have one of those "vivid" dreams and you can't shake it. That is what it was like. I wrote it down in my journal and made sure I told Jim about it as well. I was grateful and excited that He had showed me so clearly that I as going to have a daughter in my future. I had always wanted a little girl.

Of course, I did not know what the future would hold. That many years would come and go without us having children, let alone even having one child. I did not know how many times I would question whether God had really given me this dream at all. So we did the typical "American" family planning things. After about a year we decided to try to have children and we were off! It is amazing how "in control" we all think we are. Anyway, it really is a long story.....I will leave the details for another time. There were a lot of ups and downs though...seeing the negative test results on many (did I say MANY) pregnancy tests.....the doctor's appointments....the new attempts with different medical procedures....and then God....

In the end it was an invitro attempt that put that precious little girl in my womb. On our first attempt the doctor was able to transfer 4 embryos (babies) but I lost all 4. This hurt us deeply and it took time for me to grieve this loss. We named them all and we know that they are in heaven and one day we will see them. Abbagael has four brothers and sisters in heaven.

On our second invitro attempt the Doctor was only able to transfer one embryo. By the miracle of God that is our precious 19-month-old daughter today. No matter how hard we tried through human or medical effort and no matter how easy it is for some to have children the bottom line is this......GOD IS THE GIVER OF LIFE...only He alone can bring life by "knitting together a child in her mothers womb". Through all the years of waiting and trying to trust God...at times I would give Him an earful....at times I dealt with it wrongly.....then, at times, I would go back to that dream...and that is where I would experience His peace and believe Him again. That was the place of peace because that is where He gave me that truth. Because it was not just my dream. ABBAGAEL WAS HIS DREAM. He had given her the name Abbagael. Abbagael means the "Father's source of Joy". He planned her arrival here on earth and He just allowed me to know that she would be coming....not in my timing but in His perfect timing....as a gift to us.....and to others. And yes, after 16 years of marriage, at 40 years old, I gave birth to the most amazing child. He kept His promise to me and I have learned so much (words cannot express). I don't completely understand it all. And that's ok! What I do know is that He is God....and I am not! I think I have a deeper appreciation for life in general that I might have missed out on if things had been easy. I don't know. I know that He has change me profoundly. I don't just know "about a God" who does miracles....I have known Him "through the process" intimately and He has known the "real me" deeply and personally through it all. I am humbled by His kindness in my life. My life is better because of Him. My life is better because of the entire process. My life is better because of Jim. And my life is better because of Abbagael. "Who is living better than me?"!!!!!!!! These ARE the best days of my life!!!!!!